Which Way Is Up?

So, I’m in a place I don’t want to be. I’m trying to improve my teaching, tutoring/test prep, proofreading service —Fill Me In English Language Services— by doing some serious marketing. To do this serious marketing, I need some serious money. To earn said serious money, I’ve applied for temp work.

I know, I know: I’m supposed to be done with temping.

For those of you who don’t know, a couple years ago, I’d called myself leaving the temp world to stand on my own two feet, to stop being pimped-out like a puppet, to learn to handle mine like a b-o-s-s. Well, I gotta go back in, and while I’m really not that bothered by the prospect of temping, again, I’m stuck in a quandary about how to secure a particular job.

See, something else you may not know is that many moons ago, I’d resigned myself to the idea of being myself, my whole self, and nothin’ but myself, which includes not puttin’ on airs to impress other people nor hiding behind socially acceptable caricatures of what a model employee should be. I don’t ever want to face the shame of encountering someone who is authentic showin’ up, regardless of potential consequence, leavin’ me standin’ there, ass in hand, thinkin’, “Dang, I coulda been myself this whole time”, feelin’ as if someone else is livin’ the life that should be mine.

Am I makin’ sense?

Do you understand?

I don’t ever want someone to be able to outdo me at bein’ me, and I never want to feel the shame of being fake, which is what happens when contrived encounters real. #AskMeHowIKnow

Unfortunately, when notified about the prospect of interviewing for a position, I almost immediately became conflicted. The first round is a phone screening. Who would I be on the phone? Will I do my signature clips (yes, I’m the word clippin’ queen), or would I pronounce all my -ing’s like a good little college-educated girl should? Will I lighten my voice, as not to intimidate my interviewer, or will I let my natural treble and bass do what they normally do? Will I be sterile, or will I be me?

I’m just tryin’ to do this big picture thing, and I guess I’m tryin’ to determine how comfortable I am with the prospect of sellin’-out, on a short-term basis, for what can bring me long-term gains.

As I’ve been writing, I’ve figured it all out. I’m gonna be myself. No more. No less. If the clips come, they come; same goes for the -ing’s, and goodness knows whatever else. No forcin’ ’em, no hidin’ ’em. Do I have to be over-the-top (which I can be)? No. I just have to be my confident, knowlegeable, and affable self.

That’ll have to be enough. I won’t be able to look myself in the mirror, otherwise.

Wish me luck.